At a rally for California gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides, Massachusetts Senator, and 2004 Democratic Presidential nominee, John Kerry misdelivered a joke about the intellect of President George W. Bush, inciting a chain of events that led ultimately to the end of life on Earth.
At the event, Kerry began his remarks with a few jokes about the president, his opponent in 2004. MSNBC reported,
…the Massachusetts senator, who is considering another presidential run in 2008, had opened his speech at Pasadena City College with several one-liners, joking at one point that Bush had lived in Texas but now “lives in a state of denial.”
Then Kerry uttered the following sentence about education:
“You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”
Kerry staff members defended the remark, explaining that he had accidentally left the word “us” out of “get us stuck in Iraq,” which was meant to be a crack at President Bush’s intelligence, oft-belittled by the President’s opponents and allies alike.
The White House and Arizona Senator John McCain wasted no time in attacking Kerry and calling for an apology, but it was already too late.
Upon hearing of the remark, several US soldiers stationed in Iraq suddenly gave up all hope, thousands of them suddenly becoming depressed and despondent. Sensing a weakness in the United States’ resolve to win the War on Terror, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad both unleashed nuclear weapons upon major capitals and metropolises in Europe and North America, annihilating New York City, London, Paris, Brasilia, and for some reason, Cleveland.
Also emboldened by the Senator’s remark, Osama bin Laden came out of hiding in order to personally distribute his Anthrax-Ebola-Small Pox-Bird Flu cocktail into the atmosphere, causing deaths in the billions.
It took only approximately 4 hours from the time of Kerry’s comment to the end of most human life on Earth. Reports of survivors are scattered and unconfirmed, and it is also speculated that a provisional world government of ultra-mutants may be formed within the next few weeks.
Senator Kerry himself could not be reached for comment, as it is assumed he was killed along with the rest of civilization.