Near Earth Archive

A backup of Near Earth Object by Paul Fidalgo

Month: October, 2006

Kerry Screws Up Joke, World Ends

At a rally for California gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides, Massachusetts Senator, and 2004 Democratic Presidential nominee, John Kerry misdelivered a joke about the intellect of President George W. Bush, inciting a chain of events that led ultimately to the end of life on Earth.

At the event, Kerry began his remarks with a few jokes about the president, his opponent in 2004. MSNBC reported,

…the Massachusetts senator, who is considering another presidential run in 2008, had opened his speech at Pasadena City College with several one-liners, joking at one point that Bush had lived in Texas but now “lives in a state of denial.”

Then Kerry uttered the following sentence about education:

“You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”

Kerry staff members defended the remark, explaining that he had accidentally left the word “us” out of “get us stuck in Iraq,” which was meant to be a crack at President Bush’s intelligence, oft-belittled by the President’s opponents and allies alike.

The White House and Arizona Senator John McCain wasted no time in attacking Kerry and calling for an apology, but it was already too late.

Upon hearing of the remark, several US soldiers stationed in Iraq suddenly gave up all hope, thousands of them suddenly becoming depressed and despondent. Sensing a weakness in the United States’ resolve to win the War on Terror, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad both unleashed nuclear weapons upon major capitals and metropolises in Europe and North America, annihilating New York City, London, Paris, Brasilia, and for some reason, Cleveland.

Also emboldened by the Senator’s remark, Osama bin Laden came out of hiding in order to personally distribute his Anthrax-Ebola-Small Pox-Bird Flu cocktail into the atmosphere, causing deaths in the billions.

It took only approximately 4 hours from the time of Kerry’s comment to the end of most human life on Earth. Reports of survivors are scattered and unconfirmed, and it is also speculated that a provisional world government of ultra-mutants may be formed within the next few weeks.

Senator Kerry himself could not be reached for comment, as it is assumed he was killed along with the rest of civilization.


Paul the Pundit

As I get ready to start engaging in some politicking and electioneering, I wanted to give myself the chance to practice a bit. Taking my brother’s recommendation, I have started a diary over at DailyKos, and much to my surprise, I have managed to garner a meager amount of attention and commentary. This is not to say I’m making some kind of dent in the consciousness of the blogosphere, but I was pleased to see some people take note of what I’d written, and then take time to add their thoughts. Anyway, if you’d like to check out my DailyKos diary, just click here. Eventually, once I feel like I have found a solid voice and have conjured up a decent-looking layout (with a half-decent name), I’ll have something permanent and mine. Enjoy!

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Ben Makes Me Think

As you saw in my last posting, my brother Ben left a comment with some suggestions. I then wrote to him and asked him what he thought about the two of us combining our efforts, and maybe offering dueling electoral analysis, use the bothers gimmick or something. His response was favorable, but then he went on to suggest that I take what I suppose I could call a more activist bent, and offer the things I’ll be learning as I go in my new field to readers, piece by piece. I learn a new nugget of knowledge, I share it with you, and you go and use it to help change the world.

I was intrigued at this and also a little humbled. First, I don’t know how qualified I’ll ever be to tell you how to change the world, nor do I have full confidence I’ll be able to synthesize things I’m newly learning into any useful form. Secondly, I do want to stand out in some way. Being coldly impartial and uninvested in outcomes was my way to do that, but upon further consideration, it sounds a little implausible, considering my actual feelings about outcomes.

I write this only to say that at this point, I’m still working out how I’m going to put my political inclinations online. I hope I can weave all this new thinking into something fun, different, and smart. Hell, I’ll take two out of three. Stay tuned.

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Straight Up Horse Race

This posting will mark a slow but significant addition to my online presence. As I’ve told you in earlier posts, I will soon be starting work on a masters degree in political management. As anyone who knows me well will tell you, I get very excited during election season. Yes, I hold strong political beliefs, and I’m passionate about their implementation, but I’m also nearly obsessed with the game of electoral politics.

In my opinion, most blogs and news sites try to pretend to be more interested in policy and its execution than electoral strategy, but more often than not, any policy discussion is couched in the context of how it helps a candidate’s numbers.

For myself, I don’t pretend to be an expert in either policy or politicking, though I hope to be both one day. Today, I am an enthusiastic observer who follows the process very closely. My hope is to start a web presence that focuses on one aspect of our political universe: the horse race. This new idea of mine would be a web presence that makes no pretenses about fluency in – or preference for – the minutiae of particular positions on this or that issue. Instead, it would be raw analysis of the way the game is played. Who’s ahead, who’s behind, and why.

I know what you’re thinking. Don’t we have enough of this kind of coverage, and not enough about actual policy and its consequences? Well, yes! But again, my idea is to separate the two for analysis’ sake. I will have my fun with my passion for the competition, and encourage folks to learn what policies really mean for you and the country by pointing you to places where you can learn about those things in earnest. I’ll help you find places where you can see where policies effect the world we live in, rather than how they effect individual politicians and political parties. You’d come to my site for my thoughts on the battle itself.

Now, that’s not to say that what I want to do will not be substantive, in fact, it should be thought-provoking, maddening, and fun.

And hopefully, you’ll be inspired to learn more and do more for yourself.

Make no mistake, this blog you’re reading now is still primarily about my creative work. I want you to buy my CDs and get other people to want to buy it, too. I want you to check out the musical and theatrical work I do, and talk about it, and get ideas about what you can do yourself. For the most part, ego inflation, brazen self-promotion, and insights on creativity are still what this blog is about. But until I get something separate established, I’ll be placing some of my political thoughts here as well, which is an extension of my creative work in its own right. I hope you’ll find it interesting. If not, just wait until my next posting where I try to convince you to drop 10 bucks on my current disk, and get you interested in my upcoming album, which I believe I saw the other day hanging out with Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa at Area 51.

Stay tuned for my take on the current state of the 2006 elections, coming very soon!

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Thomas Dolby Makes Me Swoon

You see, Thomas Dolby is a huge influence for me. I know, I know, you know “She Blinded Me With Science”, you think it’s cute and funny and a little annoying, but look. The man is a genius, and if you care about me at all, you’ll at least find some way to listen to, say, his album The Flat Earth, and wonder why anyone should even bother making music anymore.

The point. He’s been away for a while. He hasn’t made a full-out pop music album since 1991’s Astronauts & Heretics (which contains a contender for Paul’s Favorite Song, “I Love You Goodbye”), and has been primarily involved in developing audio software. Well, he’s finally, finally, back on the road, playing live, all by himself. On his blog, he recently posted fan-recorded video of his performance of “I Live in a Suitcase”. What I love about it is that even though he’s doing incredibly complicated technical work, what with the sampling, the musicianship, the live mixing, it looks like his actual physical work is relatively simple. Being somewhat inclined somewhat to a hermit-like personality, this way of doing live music fascinates me, and at least gives me a clearer idea of what might be possible down the road. If you love me, you’ll click here and download the video he’s posted.