Jess: We are so married.
Paul: Word up.
Jess: The Philadelphia airport is now the bane of our marriage’s existence. If it were possible to get away with arson, I’d be sending you out for gasoline and matches.
Paul: Don’t say that out loud, we’re in the airport right now.
Jess: K. Well, how about if I start out by talking about the first part of the honeymoon and we can kind of tag team it and you see if you can work on coming up with something funny to say.
Paul: Oh great, yeah. (snickers) I didn’t mean for you to write that! I’m keeping my mouth shut. I’m going to kill that guy making slurping sounds with a ring pop.
Jess: All right. Well, everything started out fine except that we had to get up at 4:30 in the morning. We are not morning people. But we made a pact not to complain about it being so early and Mom and Charlie came to get us and take us to the airport. We went through the Dunkin’ Donuts drive through and got coffees and bagels. They gave me the wrong kind of cream cheese and didn’t put enough sweetener in my coffee. We should have seen something coming.
Anyway, the flight from Maine to Philadelphia was uneventful, but right when we got to the gate at Philly, we found out that there was mechanical trouble with the plane and it wasn’t going to be able to take off for Fort Lauderdale till 10:30, a half hour late. It quickly became apparent that that was a generous estimate and that whatever was wrong with the plane was going to take a lot longer to fix. At this point we had to face the fact that we might not get to the boat on time to make our cruise.
Paul: I would like to backtrack a bit. I think it’s important to note that the flight from Portland to Philly was flawless…eerily so. All the airport hassles went smoothly, the flight was pleasant, and even the plane’s landing was seamless. This, I thought, is going too well. Something was bound to go wrong.
And it did! After a few delays of the flight, they announced that the plane was BROKEN and they needed a NEW PLANE. Now, you’d think a major (and essential) enterprise such as an airline would be prepared for a contingency not related to acts of God with, I dunno, MORE PLANES. But no. So there we were, waiting to see if another plane might appear out of thin air to get us to the boat on time.
We weren’t the only cruisers on this flight, of course. We were on Princess cruises and there were only a handful of like passengers, but the Carnival cruisers were numerous, they were privileged, and they weren’t going to take this lying down. They formed a Carnival Posse. One lady in pink, especially spry for her age, began to make announcements gatherings other Carnivallers, collecting names and cabin numbers, and one can only assume, administering oaths of fealty. Her husband, a likewise skinny fellow, clad in a blue Hawaiian shirt, with a beard only a math teacher could love, was the muscle of the outfit, the bouncer raising the Army of the Inconvenienced WASPs. As we would learn later, we should have been so lucky as to have Mr. and Mrs. Pink on our side, but it was not to be.
Jess: You forgot to make your joke about the lady in pink being the Cindy Sheehan of Carnival Cruise lines.
Jess: Long story short, the Carnival Army raised enough of a stink that their boat decided to wait for them to get to Fort Lauderdale, which as it turned out, was about 2 hours after the boat was scheduled to leave. Our boat left without us, stranding also another honeymoon couple who will henceforth be known as, “Psycho and Mrs. P”. These guys got married the same day we did, and they were on the same cruise so you would think we would have some kind of common bond with them. But no – they were crazy. On the surface they seemed normal but as the hours wore on in Philly and it was obvious that we were doomed to miss the boat, the husband got all rage-y. He was yelling things about a lawsuit, he was stalking up and down the halls and stuff. We saw him in the customer service line with a video camera, doing a Real World MTV style confessional. We were very frightened.
TO BE CONTINUED….(we have a lot of boxes to unpack right now.)